Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
