Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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