I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
