you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
