I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
