I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
