Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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