Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
