You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
