On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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