God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
