What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
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