All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Someone came in the potted fern
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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