i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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