rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
