Soap is not a condiment
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
