Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
