I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He did a backflip because drugs
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