Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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