I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
