I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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