I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
