Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
