I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
