We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
