apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Found your dick twin last night
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
