I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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