we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
