I accidentally had phone sex last night
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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