my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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