Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
