Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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