In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
she pinky promised me she was 18
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
