Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
