What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
