drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
