if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
