I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
