we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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