I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize