Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
