ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
