need another drink. this is the easiest way
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
