So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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