They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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