note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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