whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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