I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
