This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
