she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
