So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
