I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
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