med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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