Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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