Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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