so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize