Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
