i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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